BOUNDARIES AND THE COST OF NOT LOOKING OUT FOR EACH OTHER
Dom mows his lawn and waves to neighbors on his suburban street. Boundaries And The Cost Of Not Looking Out For Each Other. Black community and boundaries, SlowBurnLove.com Spirit & Dom love series
This week in community
My neighbor's son parks his car in front of my house, and I think people should park wherever they want on a public street. But when there is more than enough room to park in front of your own house, in your driveway, or in your garage, you’re sending a message. You’re communicating to me you don’t give a shit about my boundaries. I’ve already caught them on camera blowing their leaves into my lawn, letting their dogs run in my yard. Now they want to make it more challenging for me to care for my home and curb strip by parking their car near it everyday.
The neighbors blocking access to my lawn are white. And the only Black people – or even people of color - I have ever seen go to their house or visit with them is myself.
What I won't be doing in response to their behavior is kicking out windows in frustration, or catching cases because someone calls me a Nigg.. with the hard R. But when people don't respect your safe spaces or boundaries, pay attention to that. They are showing you exactly who they are. That they are intentionally targeting you. And as much as Black people have been thru, they shouldn’t have to remind other folk how to be respectful of their space. And that “privileged” behavior needs to be called out. People who need to undermine others and do this kind of targeting behavior have problems feeling empowered in their own skin. They need someone they believe is beneath them, so they don’t have to face the failures that make them feel less than in whatever else they may be dealing with in life.
They feel disempowered so they attempt to disempower you. But their lack of self-esteem and fragile ego just makes them broken and parasitic.
As a Black person living in a majority white, majority Republican city, after growing up in a very Democratic part of Chicago where you could eat, sleep shit and die without ever really interacting with a white person, that lived experience never fully goes away. Every professional I knew growing up, doctors, lawyers, teachers, plumbers, electricians was Black. And living that way builds a different kind of awareness about who you are, a hypervigilance in rooms with people who don't look like you and test your personal boundaries. And living in a city that is the second most systemically racist city in the country, you notice real quick when someone who does not look like you is attempting to make you feel small, or leaning on their privilege of color. Because the first sign of trouble, when the police get called - because they feel their boundaries were impeded upon - the person who gets pegged as the problem will be the Black person, regardless of who was actually in the right.
That is privilege. And when your neighbors target your boundaries, threaten your ability to be safe, to feel safe in and around your own home - pay attention to that.
This is exactly why the Black community really needs to look out for each other more. Especially during these politically and socially harrowing times. Unless you genuinely fear for your safety or something has actually been taken from you, calling the police on each other over trivialities and something that could have worked out with the art of communication can end in something far worse than the dispute itself. That doesn't mean giving each other a pass on bad behavior just because you look alike. We should absolutely hold each other accountable. But there's a real difference between accountability and putting someone who is from your community in positions that leave them open to danger.
This week in love
You know that weird friend request from some woman you don't know. Maybe you have a few mutual friends, and you accept it because she seems connected to your community and you're out here trying to run a business and put something positive into the world. but then she starts stalking your page. She doesn't reply to any of your messages, doesn't engage, just watches. It’s weird. And then one of two things happens. She starts posting things that mirror your old complaints from a past relationship, or she starts posting like she's competing with you, testing to see if she can get a reaction out of you.
They come across as either an ex's new situation, or someone trying to date your ex who wants to see if your still in the picture, or your ex's current woman checking whether or not you’re still in contact with him. But what’s most important here is the very fact that you're on another woman’s page looking for answers for a love interest indicates you're living in that same toxic dynamic that woman already left. People can miss being held by someone, but it doesn’t mean they miss the lying, the cheating, the abuse, or the psychological unsafety that came with it. Instead of spending all that time stalking another woman’s page, spend more time with your peace. Because if you had that, it wouldn't keep leading you back to your man or love interest’s ex.
And if you think this part of the blog is about you, it probably is.
This week I also came across a post from a Black male influencer talking about paying attention to someone's "type," the pattern of people they've dated. People usually frame "having a type" as a red flag, and if that's true, I have to own it, because my type is Black men. Romantically I am not interested in white men, Indian men, Asian men, Mexicans, just Black men. But Black men have been catching a lot of criticism these days for dating outside their race, for immaturity, for the way some talk about Black women online #misogynoir. And I have had to sit with that, because a lot of single Black men, and some men already in relationships, are showing up online in exactly that toxic way. It's part of why I started SlowBurnLove.com in the first place, to help heal the dynamic that's built up between Black men and women.
I also watched a post with a very handsome white guy getting quizzed on how much he actually knew about Black culture. Flavor of Kool Aid, the meaning behind a familiar church phrase, a verse from a Biggie song. He got every answer right.
All I needed to know was how he moved his hips and I might’ve been hooked! LOL!
But it made me ask myself why I don't want to date outside my race. Because he seemed like he was a really nice guy. I've lived through hell with Black men. I’ve even broken up with an ex after finding out he'd slept with a white woman while we were together. Something he swore he was never interested in and he would never do. That ninja had me fooled.
But with everything I've experienced dating and being with Black men, the reason I stay, the reason I have a "type," comes down to legacy and ancestry, something that can never be faked or replaced. Not all Black men are toxic, and not all Black men want to date outside their race. You love who you want. And I just prefer my own people and the ancestry that goes with them.
So then how can we love each other better?
Before you write someone off as toxic or immature, ask what they've actually been through - and hold them accountable for it so it doesn’t bleed into your relationship. Pattern recognition matters, but so does context.
Give people your real reaction, not a performance. Competing with an ex online, or testing someone to provoke a response, keeps you tethered to your love interest’s old dynamics.
Protect your peace before you protect your pride. Checking someone's page for answers you already know rarely brings peace. Spend that energy on yourself instead.
Hold space for legacy, not just chemistry. What draws you to someone, culture, history, shared understanding, is worth naming out loud instead of treating as an afterthought.
Let accountability stay private where possible. Whether it's an ex, a neighbor, or a partner, direct honesty does more for healing than a public callout ever will.