THE CLEARANCE RACK AND THE CULTURE - MARKED DOWN DOESN’T MEAN WORN OUT
Spirit and Dom, the couple at the center of the SlowBurnLove.com book series, laugh together while shopping a clearance rack at a department store. The image accompanies the article The Clearance Rack and the Culture - Marked Down Doesn’t Mean Worn Out on SlowBurnLove.com, which explores how being discounted by someone who couldn't appreciate you is not the same as losing your value.
Being devalued in a previous relationship doesn't mean you lack value. It just means the person you were with simply wasn't able to value or appreciate you.
Before we have this conversation, let’s first do a quick review about this past week in Black love and community. Black August reminded me why we remembrance matters. NABJ26 had journalists and media professionals talking hard about Black media ownership, and with right wing nationalists steering so much of what gets put out in the media today, that conversation feels more urgent than ever. It landed right in the middle of National Black Business Month, which felt fitting. Ownership is ownership, whether it is a newsroom or a nail shop. Support Black business, and support Black owned media too, because controlling the narrative is a business, and that is especially important in today's violent political environment.
The thread of ownership followed me into my own personal life this week in a different form. Ownership of my time. Ownership of my peace. I welcome romantic relationships but I am not rushing into anything, especially anything that feels like someone has the need to compete with me or compete with my peace. I am enjoying my single season, my energy, and am not settling for proximity versus the gift of someone’s good genuine energy. Which brings me to the next conversation.
Mankeeping
An article crossed my media page this week that centered on a term researchers at Stanford have coined mankeeping. It describes the emotional labor women carry in heterosexual relationships. Not just remembering birthdays or planning the weekend, but being your partner's and the relationship’s entire support system. Managing his stress. Reading his moods. Holding space for the feelings he refuses to share.
The article ties this to what researchers call the male loneliness epidemic. As men report fewer close friendships, the women dating them get handed the job their friends used to do. She becomes his whole emotional infrastructure. The article notes that far fewer single women than single men are currently looking for a relationship, which says a lot about where women's patience is sitting.
However after reading the article, what I believe gets left out of conversations like this is the amount of work a woman has to put into simply being human - see my blog The Weight Of Being A Human Woman - then Being Black. The amount of emotional, physical, and psychological labor women have to put into themselves first before they do for anyone else will never equal the work our romantic male counterparts need to do for themselves. Then on top of that, men look to women to do the work for the support they need many women have already done to support themselves. When a man walks into a relationship complaining about his life without any real empathy for what a woman carries just existing, she often has to shrink herself to meet him where he is. That kind of relationship never lasts. Unless he evolves and learns to genuinely empathize with the human condition of a woman, that man, and that relationship, will never grow. As a result, it seems more women are choosing to opt out. The current misogynistic manosphere will continue to evolve and thrive until those toxic men do the work to meet women at their softer, more intuitive, physiological sides.
This same manospheric, problematic energy showed up in a social media post when a man compared older mature women coming out of bad relationships as being placed on a clearance rack. It said women give their best selves and their prime years to toxic men, then want a good man once they are “damaged goods”. But the very man who made this comment, and those agreeing with him, are the same toxic men who put those women on clearance in the first place. A good man would not have made that comment, and a good man would not agree with or let another man get away with saying it either.
One man's loss - because of his inability to appreciate what he had - can become another man's treasure. Being “marked down” by someone doesn't equal being worn out. Any man who believes a woman has no value after an unhealthy relationship before him is most likely the same kind of toxic, narcissistic man she had been with before. Sometimes men who experience a woman who is seasoned, evolved, and understands her worth confuse this with her being damaged, but the reality is her lived experience won’t allow her to put up with bullshit.
When we come across these toxic conversations, devaluing each other, in public, on social media, here are a few things we can do to help the community evolve and show others the love and respect we have for one another.
What Black Men Can Do
Build real friendships with other men so your partner is not your only emotional outlet
Do the inner work on your own feelings before you bring them into the relationship
Notice when you are venting instead of processing, and ask if she has capacity before you unload
Retire the clearance rack mentality and understand that a woman's lived experience is value, not damage
Call out other men who talk about women like inventory instead of laughing along
What Black Women Can Do
Protect your energy without apologizing for it, because rest is not the same as giving up on love
Get clear on what alignment actually feels like so you stop mistaking being wanted for being right for you
Let go of the idea that being discarded by someone who could not appreciate you says anything about your worth
Choose partners who show genuine empathy for what you carry, not just partners who say the right words
Keep building your own peace and community so you are whole with or without a relationship