KEEPING YOUR WORD: WHAT SMALL PROMISES REVEAL
Spirit and Dom stand high above the New York City skyline holding a banner reading 'Trust Is Earned When Voices Matter,' illustrating the theme of Keeping Your Word: What Small Promises Reveal on SlowBurnLove.com
I want to talk about a campaign slogan that showed up in my feed this week. A candidate running as a Democrat was standing arm in arm with the man who lost the Republican primary for that same office. Both of them were wearing the Democratic candidate's campaign gear. The caption underneath said "Trust Restored. Voices Heard."
Trust restored for who, exactly?
Because I have questions about why a Democratic candidate is teaming up in public with a conservative Republican who lost his own primary. I also wonder why the people running the party seem fine with it. My guess is that it comes down to the union. The losing Republican candidate seems to have more union support than our own Democratic candidate does. I could be wrong about the reason why. But I know what I saw with my own eyes.
Here is what I do know for sure. When a candidate teams up with people who have not earned this community's trust before he is even elected, persons who have not made safe spaces for community members, especially the Black community, that tells you something. It shows you how he might act once he is in charge of that office.
Small things are never really small. They are previews of what is coming.
This same week, I saw a post from Dr. Cheyenne Bryant where she stated women over 50 are choosing to date men in their 30s and 40s. Her statement was based around the presumption those men seem more mature and take responsibility for their mistakes than their older counterparts.
I do not agree with everything Dr. Bryant says and I still question her legitimacy as a doctor. But I have noticed something similar to what she is talking about. Women in their 30s and 40s who still act a little immature tend to end up with men over 50 who act the same way. But it is not really about age matching age. It is more about two people who have not grown much finding each other and calling it a good match.
I sat with that thought for a minute. It connects to something I have been thinking about in my own life. Because once you start looking for this pattern, you see it everywhere.
Recently, I was trying to build a friendship with someone. I purchased something for them that cost about ten dollars. Nothing that would hurt anybody's wallet. They told me they would pay me back that Wednesday when they got their paycheck. But Wednesday came and went. And I got nothing. No response, no apologies…
Ten dollars is not really the point.
The point is that someone looked me in the eye, made a promise with an easy deadline, and then did not keep it. This was a red flag. It is also a pattern I have seen over and over with men in my 50 and over age group.
I have given too much in relationships before and gotten back way less than I gave. I bet a lot of people reading this have felt that too. I think it is the same thing happening when we keep giving our vote, our time, and our trust to a political party that keeps breaking its promises.
We tell ourselves it is no big deal. We tell ourselves they will come through when it really matters. But if a person, or a whole political party, cannot keep a ten dollar promise or a campaign promise to the people who helped get them elected, they are showing you exactly who they are. Believe them.
This is not really a story about one candidate, or about one broken promise between two people trying to be friends. It is about a pattern. It is about integrity, or the lack of it, and how we keep making excuses for it because we call it loyalty. Loyalty to a party. Loyalty to a person.
How do we deal with this head on?
What Black Men Can Do
Say what you mean and follow through on small promises before you ever get the chance to make bigger ones. Your reputation is built in the ten dollar moments.
Show up for your community all the time, not just when there is a camera around.
Take responsibility before anyone catches you doing wrong. Fix it before someone has to call you out.
Protect the people who trusted you first, even after you have more choices. Loyalty should not run out just because you got more successful.
Choose your alliances carefully. Who you stand next to in public shows everyone what you actually care about.
What Black Women Can Do
Say what you need clearly instead of expecting people to guess and then getting upset when they get it wrong.
Notice small broken promises early and take them seriously instead of making excuses for them.
Give generously, but pay attention to whether you are getting anything back. Giving with nothing in return is a lack of reciprocity. It is running yourself dry.
Hold the people you support to the same standard you hold yourself to.
Trust what someone has actually shown you, not what you hope they might become someday.
What the Community Can Do Together
Stop giving candidates and leaders a pass just because they are charming, when their actions show they lack integrity.
Ask the hard questions before an election, not after, about who a candidate is teaming up with and why.
Build accountability in our own neighborhoods, one block and one precinct at a time, so no small group of people holds all the power.
Talk openly about these patterns in politics and in relationships. Stop treating them like two separate topics. They are the same conversation.
Choose people, at every level, who keep their word even when nobody is watching and there is nothing in it for them.