Someone removed my uncle's historical marker. We don't know yet if it was the city or someone with a grudge against remembering Black History, either way, a piece of the record that took real labor and real grief to put up is just gone. People who don't know their history are doomed to repeat it. And here we are, watching the repeat happen in real time, all over the country, not just to one marker about my family but to many in Black American History.
There's an NPR series called "Off the Mark" that's been tracking this exact thing across the South. Markers honoring Black history are going missing or getting damaged and no one is being held accountable. One of the stories that stuck with me is out of Lithonia, Georgia, where in 2024 a 200 pound marker honoring a lynching victim named Reuban Hudson disappeared overnight from a busy corner near city hall. Someone had to plan that. Someone had to want that story gone enough to want to haul 200 pounds of steel off a pole in the dark. Some states have started passing laws making it harder to remove or amend a marker once it goes up, which sounds protective until you realize it also means the people who control what gets written down in the first place get to lock their version in permanently – even if it’s racist or offensive history.
This is not an abstract saying. This is actual "history repeating itself".
The Erasure Isn't Just Physical
Nolan Wells is 18 years old and dead, and the erasure happening to his story is a different kind. A grand jury reviewed his case and came back saying there's no evidence of criminal conduct and no evidence his death was racially motivated. Ruled consistent with drowning. Case closed, according to the official record.
But his family didn't accept that record. They ran their own forensic examination of his phone and found something the official investigation apparently missed – people in his group chats kept talking to each other after he died, not realizing their messages were still syncing to his phone. His parents had asked for a joint examination with the DA's office months earlier and were told they'd have to hand the phone over without being present, so they declined. The family didn’ t trust that. If they weren't in the room, they'd have no way to know whether anything got missed, mishandled, or left out of what eventually became the official record. That's a family who already understood that whoever controls the evidence controls the story, and they weren't going to let their son's last hours get written by someone who wasn’t going to be honest about it.
Even Our Own Institutions Aren't Immune
I appreciate the work the Divine Nine does for the community. My Grandparents, father, cousins aunts are all members active and inactive in life and death. Four million members, organizing power, history going back over a century. They've gotten louder politically the last couple years, PACs, non-protits, government jobs, voter mobilization, candidates showing up at conventions looking for the room's blessing. That matters for the community.
They're professional class institutions, built through college campuses and licensed careers, and that shapes what politics feel acceptable to the room. But the Democratic Party didn't get built in boardrooms. It got built through unions, tenant organizers, and people with genuinely socialist politics who were fighting for redistribution, not respectability, people with actual lived experience in a system that did not accept them not just because of their color, but their social caste. When our most visible Black leaders keep playing it safe because “safe” is what impresses a room full of degree holders and power brokers, we're forgetting where our real power came from. It didn’t come from playing it safe. It came from everyday people fighting hard for what Black communities actually needed – actually standing against the systems that suppress us and not standing beside them, the big companies and politicians who decide how much change we’re allowed to have.
And Then There's What We're Doing To Each Other
A Black man on a Black love Facebook page asked whether you'd rather date a white woman who makes $100k a year but calls you the N word in heated arguments, or a Black woman who makes $50k a year raising two kids on her own.
That is not a real question. And the only thing it does is force Black women to defend their worth against slurs instead of just being allowed to exist as their beautiful selves. People who post this kind of content use misogynoir for likes, hatred of Black women that's racialized and gendered at the same time. Some call what that post is doing proximity seeking - treating access to whiteness as if it’s a prize so valuable that a person is willing to put up with being disrespected just to get it. Some call it self hate. Whatever you call it, a man willing to trade actual respect for the theoretical privilege of being insulted by someone white is performing his own erasure and calling it preference.
If we're going to talk about who's cutting down and diluting our history, we have to talk about the ones doing it from inside the community too.
So Where Does All of this Land
Every single thing I just laid out, my uncle’s marker, Nolan Wells, the centrist Democrats, misogynoir, this is the world we live in, and sometimes it’s our own people trying to convince us we're worth less than what we deserve. That we should be grateful for a watered down version of justice, a watered down version of political courage, a watered down version of community, a watered down version of love for one another.
I refuse it. And I think the refusal has to start in the places closest to us, within us, because that's the one place we actually control.
Same Mistakes
No one will ever have their shit completely together until they stop breathing. You don't need to wait until every area of your life is together to demand a healthy relationship from anyone. You just need to decide your journey is worthy of being shared with someone who adds peace, stability and respect to your life instead of someone who drags you into their chaos and calls it passion.
There's a massive difference between not having every piece of life figured out and being an unhealed, boundary less drain on someone else. A grounded partner isn't looking for a flawless life where nothing ever goes sideways. What they're actually looking for is self awareness, emotional accountability and momentum. Someone who "has it together" is aware of their strengths, takes responsibility for their own journey, and works through their stuff without expecting a partner to fix it for them. If you're self aware, doing the work, and holding space for your own growth, you're already operating at the level of having it together no matter where you think you may have failed.
When our own lives feel messy, our subconscious plays a trick on us. We pull in people whose lives are in worse shape than ours so we avoid having to face our own vulnerability. Attracting a broken partner can feel safe, because if they need saving, they can't judge you, and you get to feel valuable by being the one who fix them. That's not loving them, that’s loving on your ego.
A healthy partner doesn't need you to be a finished product. They want a partner, not a project and not a savior. They meet you where you are, they support your growth, and they let you support theirs, without either person constantly rescuing the other. You don't need to build a perfect empire before you deserve love. You need to anchor into self-respect. Two people can both be works in progress and still build something clean and stable together, as long as both of you are carrying your own weight.
That's how we fight the erasure. By refusing to let each other become disposable to each other.
Five Things Black Men Can Do
• Do your own emotional work before you ask a woman to hold your healing for you
• Describe what you need directly instead of testing her or going cold
• Celebrate her wins out loud, even the ones that don't center you
• Protect her peace the way you protect your own reputation
• Show up consistently, not just when it's convenient or flattering to you
Five Things Black Women Can Do
• Stop performing "I don't need anything" when you actually need something, say it
• Let a man show up for you without managing the outcome for him
• Choose potential he's actively building toward, not potential you're inventing for him
• Set the boundary the first time it's crossed, not the tenth
• Give yourself the same grace mid journey that you'd give him
They may be able to take the marker of the past off the pole. But they cannot take our willingness to remember, to demand the truth, and to build something real with each other while we fight for each other in love.
Until next time,
Melissa Pozio
Slow Burn Love
Disclaimer: The content on Slow Burn Love is for informational and educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition. If you are in a crisis, please reach out to a local emergency service or a crisis hotline immediately.
